So you’ve decided to try online dating! Welcome to the twenty-first century’s best meat market.
This short quick start guide will help you figure out what to do and how to achieve it.
Before joining a dating website, it’s important to establish whether you belong on one. If you’re socially awkward, are in a relationship and want to see if you’ve still “got it”, if you’re in a relationship and you want to start exploring options or if you’re agoraphobic then yes! Online dating is for you.
First, you’ll register. The two most important fields here will be your username and your postal code. For the former, by now every good username has been used. As a result, you will have to add numbers or alter the spelling. Either way, you’ll end up with something that few people could ever take seriously. As for the postal code, this will determine the results found in your proximity search. Like most people, you are probably extremely afraid of identity theft and you will enter a fictitious one. This will screw everything up later, but you can’t think that far because you believe that you’re outsmarting the system. After all, you’re so very important and people are always trying to steal your identity. We get it.
Once the registration is complete, you’ll have to upload a picture. We recommend a picture from the neck up. The more you hide, the more it encourages others to use their imagination to figure out what you look like. Full-body pictures, if you dare to include one, should be at least two to five years old – this is the current standard from most users. This way you can hide the extra fifteen to fifty pounds you’ve gained – after all you’ve been meaning to lose it for two to five years, it’s bound to happen before your first date. You’re starting the new lifestyle tomorrow, after all. Other popular choices of pictures include taking a dark, brooding picture and adding a few photoshop filters. This will express your creativity. Even better – add a quote to your picture! “Live, laugh, love” is possibly the classiest – can’t go wrong with this. Showing off horrible tattoos, hopefully of your favourite celebrity quote written across your ribs, or of your favourite animal applied in the creepiest possible way, is also good. Don’t forget to include hints of your underwear in the picture for added class. Lastly, don’t forget – pictures don’t all have to be of you. Blurry travel pictures that speak to your adventurous spirit, pictures of your pets will express… something. We’re not sure what, but it has to say… something. Somehow.
Once you’re registered and your pictures are up, it’s time to complete the profile details. First your age, height, body type, frequency of alcohol/drug/tobacco use , your job, inome, religion, ethnicity and whether you’ve children are important fields.
Height – If you need to compensate, tweak this. After all you’re always wearing shoes that makes you this height, it’s the final height you want people to know, not the boring, barefoot one.
Body type – This is a wonderful game. This field, in conjunction with your pictures, will create unrealistic expectations that will ensure the first date will be disappointing and awkward the person you’re meeting. Please refer to the table below.
Frequency of tobacco use – As with most other things, put down what you wish it was, not what it really is.
Frequency of alcohol use – See tobacco use, but exaggerate it to highlight your party animal side.
Frequency of drug use – See tobacco use, but exaggerate it to express your crazy, wild, “fuck the police” side.
Job – If you make anything below $50,000/year, you’ll have to lie here. No one puts down what they really do unless you make that much. Exceptions are students, of course. If you’re planning on taking courses, you can ignore the fact that you’re a clerk in a store (because apparently you’re ashamed of what you do), and just put down student. If the person you’ll be dating truly loves you, they’ll ignore these little embellishments.
Religion – This is where you let people know how pious you are. This field, in conjunction with the pictures of you downing shots, the drug/tobacco fields highlighting your addictions, as well as your open text biography information indicating your ragged and torn moral fibre, will all align to let others know that your faith is in name only.
Children – If they don’t live with you seven days a week, you can fudge this. No one’ll know, especially if you’re just looking to get laid to improve your self-esteem.
Once these little inconsequential details are worked out, you get to type endlessly about yourself. We recommend being vague, aloof or brash and direct. The important thing here is that you try really hard, and the personality that comes out of your text differs greatly from your everyday personality. List books you wish you’d read, movies people tell you are good and/or made it to the top of the box office. Alternatively, you can list obscure movies you watched because no one else has viewed them so you can respond with a comment establishing your superiority when people ask you about them. As for music, be sure to list the things you put on when people are around. No one wants to know what you really enjoy. After all, you’ll be putting up an act when dating and the longer you can maintain that act, the more others will love you!